Games

Of Stone Hearts and Blood and Wine: The Actual For Real End of Witcher 3

The Witcher game franchise finally drew to an actual for real close this spring, when CD Project RED released the second of two expansions to The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt and a massive update to the base game. It was one part exhausting, two parts amazing – and now it’s all over forever.

Impotent Suffering: A Telltale Game of Thrones

The first season of Telltale’s Game of Thrones adventure series allows you to step inside the story of HBO’s Game of Thrones and experience everything from petty humiliation to your own unjust execution. It does not, however, allow you to experience a state of victory or accomplishment.

A Tale of 2 Witchers 2

In the lead-up to Witcher 3, Steam was selling Witcher 2 for $5, so welcome to my review of Witcher 2, a game that I like even though it kind of hated me.

Brothers: A Tale of Wait What the Hell?

I played Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons, and it was beautiful and whimsical and depressing – everything the reviews said it would be. But the ending, man. I don’t know how to feel about that.

Distractions from Mucus and Phlegm: The Dark Eye: Memoria

I spent the last week sick with a cold and, in between ordering a humidifier that wasn’t delivered until I could already sleep through the night and being afraid that I’d given myself a brain-eating amoeba by snorting tap water, I finally got around to playing The Dark Eye: Memoria.

Lego Harry Potter: The Smashening

Imagine that all of the characters from Harry Potter randomly and senselessly destroyed all the settings from Harry Potter by blasting the ever-loving fuck out of everything they saw. What you’re imagining is Lego Harry Potter for Wii.

The Stanley Parable: Choose Someone Else’s Adventure

Ripped straight from my recurring nightmares, The Stanley Parable is a videogame about a sentient videogame that hates you and tries to screw you over as you play. It’s equal parts funny and creepy, and it shows how you can take a very simple idea and build something layered and thought-provoking out of it.

So, Link. He Comes to Town. With a Robot That I Hate.

I played Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword and they were both pretty fun. Skyward Sword is a better game in terms of mechanics and design, but I love Twilight Princess just a little bit more, because of its characters, its dark, creepy graphics, its story, and the fact that it isn’t dominated by a robot that I want to fucking murder.

Awesome Games: Myst III: Exile

The Myst series is a thing that people either seem to love or hate, and I hated the first two games well enough, but the third one was surprisingly good and sense-making. And Brad Dourif is there to murder everyone because, why not?